Thursday, March 20, 2014

Dear Baby Thors #3



Dear Baby Thors #3,
                My sweet baby. How I wish that I did not have to write this letter to you. You see, I only found out about you three weeks ago. At first I was shocked, but then my excitement grew knowing that our little family was getting bigger. I started to think about whether you would be a girl or boy, if you would look like me or your daddy, and if you would be as energetic as your siblings. I also started to think about what I would need to get for you. I knew I would not need much since you have two older siblings, but there were a few items I was looking forward to buying for you.
                Your dad and I told your big sister, Tricia, that mommy had a baby in her belly and she kept talking about having a baby sister. Of course, some days she said she wanted another brother so we really weren’t sure whether or not she was team blue or team pink.
                I prayed for you every single day and prayed for a healthy pregnancy and baby. I knew this pregnancy felt different, but I was trying my best to ignore those feelings and to think positive. But unfortunately, things did not work out the way we wanted. It all started on March 13, 2014, which happens to be your Papa’s birthday.
                Mommy went to the ER that day and again the next day. We did not get clear answers on those days, but were told to prepare for the worst. The only clear thing was my pregnancy hormones were dropping, which is a sign of miscarriage. I was secretly hoping that the tests were wrong and that you would be fine. Even though I was praying and hoping you would be okay, I was an absolute wreck.
                It broke my heart to think that I would not be able to ever hold you, to see you, and to watch you grow up. It made me mad to see other people announce their pregnancy’s when I knew that I may not be able to announce about you. You have two older siblings who were excited to have another addition, at least Tricia was, Justus does not talk much. It makes me sad that you won’t be able to run and play with them.
                On March 17th we went to the doctor and it was confirmed that you had either already passed or were in the process of passing. These were words that I was hoping that I would never have to hear. I knew that it was nothing I did that caused this to happen, but I sure wished that there was something I could have done to stop it from happening.
                I realize that you are in Heaven and you feel no pain. I am thankful that you get to enjoy such a wonderful and beautiful place and do not have to experience any pain. You see, this world where mommy, daddy, and your siblings live is full of pain and suffering. I worry about all the things your siblings will go through, but it is nice knowing you get to bypass all this suffering and get to enjoy worshiping our Lord. While I wish I could hold you in my arms so bad, I know that God is holding you in His.
                I wanted to let you know that there are many people in Heaven who know you and love you. You have four great grandpas and two great grandmas. I am sure between all of them you will get plenty of snuggles. You also have an aunt or an uncle up there as well. Your Grandma Cathy and Bompa lost their first baby, and like us, they do not know whether that baby is a boy or girl. You also have a cousin up there so make sure you find him/ her.
                I hope you know how much we love you and miss you. I look forward to holding you in my arms someday, but for now your brother and sister need me here on Earth. There is not a moment that goes by that I do not think about you, and I hope you know that your brother and sister will grow up knowing about you.
                This has been the hardest thing I have ever had to go through, and I pray that this never happens to our family again. Writing you this letter is part of my healing process, and each day is a rollercoaster for me. Another part of this healing process was talking to daddy and coming up with a name for you. I know it may seem weird to some people to name you, but it is something that helps us. Plus, I don’t want my baby in Heaven to not have a name. We couldn’t go with any of the names we had picked out since none of them were gender neutral. After searching for gender neutral names we finally decided on a name for you and I hope you like your name.
                We love you sweet baby Peyton! XOXO
Mommy, Daddy, Tricia, and Justus

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