Dear Baby Thors #3,
My
sweet baby. How I wish that I did not have to write this letter to you. You
see, I only found out about you three weeks ago. At first I was shocked, but
then my excitement grew knowing that our little family was getting bigger. I
started to think about whether you would be a girl or boy, if you would look
like me or your daddy, and if you would be as energetic as your siblings. I
also started to think about what I would need to get for you. I knew I would
not need much since you have two older siblings, but there were a few items I
was looking forward to buying for you.
Your
dad and I told your big sister, Tricia, that mommy had a baby in her belly and
she kept talking about having a baby sister. Of course, some days she said she
wanted another brother so we really weren’t sure whether or not she was team
blue or team pink.
I
prayed for you every single day and prayed for a healthy pregnancy and baby. I
knew this pregnancy felt different, but I was trying my best to ignore those
feelings and to think positive. But unfortunately, things did not work out the
way we wanted. It all started on March 13, 2014, which happens to be your Papa’s
birthday.
Mommy
went to the ER that day and again the next day. We did not get clear answers on
those days, but were told to prepare for the worst. The only clear thing was my
pregnancy hormones were dropping, which is a sign of miscarriage. I was secretly
hoping that the tests were wrong and that you would be fine. Even though I was
praying and hoping you would be okay, I was an absolute wreck.
It
broke my heart to think that I would not be able to ever hold you, to see you,
and to watch you grow up. It made me mad to see other people announce their
pregnancy’s when I knew that I may not be able to announce about you. You have
two older siblings who were excited to have another addition, at least Tricia
was, Justus does not talk much. It makes me sad that you won’t be able to run
and play with them.
On
March 17th we went to the doctor and it was confirmed that you had
either already passed or were in the process of passing. These were words that
I was hoping that I would never have to hear. I knew that it was nothing I did
that caused this to happen, but I sure wished that there was something I could
have done to stop it from happening.
I
realize that you are in Heaven and you feel no pain. I am thankful that you get
to enjoy such a wonderful and beautiful place and do not have to experience any
pain. You see, this world where mommy, daddy, and your siblings live is full of
pain and suffering. I worry about all the things your siblings will go through,
but it is nice knowing you get to bypass all this suffering and get to enjoy
worshiping our Lord. While I wish I could hold you in my arms so bad, I know
that God is holding you in His.
I
wanted to let you know that there are many people in Heaven who know you and
love you. You have four great grandpas and two great grandmas. I am sure
between all of them you will get plenty of snuggles. You also have an aunt or
an uncle up there as well. Your Grandma Cathy and Bompa lost their first baby,
and like us, they do not know whether that baby is a boy or girl. You also have
a cousin up there so make sure you find him/ her.
I hope
you know how much we love you and miss you. I look forward to holding you in my
arms someday, but for now your brother and sister need me here on Earth. There
is not a moment that goes by that I do not think about you, and I hope you know
that your brother and sister will grow up knowing about you.
This
has been the hardest thing I have ever had to go through, and I pray that this
never happens to our family again. Writing you this letter is part of my
healing process, and each day is a rollercoaster for me. Another part of this
healing process was talking to daddy and coming up with a name for you. I know
it may seem weird to some people to name you, but it is something that helps
us. Plus, I don’t want my baby in Heaven to not have a name. We couldn’t go
with any of the names we had picked out since none of them were gender neutral.
After searching for gender neutral names we finally decided on a name for you
and I hope you like your name.
We love
you sweet baby Peyton! XOXO
Mommy, Daddy, Tricia, and Justus
