Life after Loss

It has been just over three months since we lost our sweet baby Peyton. This has by far been the longest and the hardest three months of my life. All the hopes and dreams we had for our sweet baby are gone and as the days go by I don’t have a growing belly. 

Today marks my 27^th birthday which should be exciting and fun, but instead it is so hard to not think that today was suppose to mark exactly 20 weeks of pregnancy. When I first noticed that my birthday marked our 20^th week I was hopeful that our ultrasound would fall on today. What a sweet gift it would be to see my baby!

However, instead of seeing my baby growing inside me, I sit here with a hole in my heart and belly that is childless. I know I have two wonderful children, but they cannot replace or fill the hole that Peyton left.  Every time I look at my two kids I wonder about whether Peyton was a girl or boy, and what Peyton looks like. It also breaks my heart that Tricia has to wait longer to have another sibling. Whenever she sees a baby she gets so excited and has to point out the baby to me. She is also such a great helper and I know she will be so much more helpful than when Justus was born (they are 16 months apart!).

Someone recently asked me if I received a lot of help after my miscarriage. The answer is yes and no. I say yes because my parents and my in laws helped out tremendously with household things and taking care of the kids. I say no because it seemed like help from people outside the family was not there. We had one family who was there for us, but other than that it was a lot of “So sorry for your loss.” It is not that I don’t appreciate the prayers but to me a miscarriage is not treated like any other loss.

 If someone loses a child after they are born people send meals and figure out some way to help the family with household things, but with a miscarriage it feels like they say sorry and feel bad for a minute, but then their life gets busy and they forget that we have lost a child. It is like they feel they did their duty saying they are sorry, but don’t realize how paralyzing the loss is for the couple, especially for the mom. Then there are people who remember but don’t want to mention it. It is okay to ask about a child miscarried because for us that child lived and we remember that child every day. Yes, it may bring up painful memories, but those memories are never going away. We are never going to forget about our baby so you won’t be reminding us all over again. We are reminded every day because our bellies are not getting big, and for some of us, the miscarriage process took either weeks or months to be done.

Some of us had already figured out the time frame for when certain things would happen. For instance, we were going to tell both sides of our family over Easter weekend since we would have had an ultrasound by then and would have been around 10 weeks. We were going to tell the world the beginning of May, and today we would have had an ultrasound. Then come November 12^th I will probably be a wreak since that was our due date.

Besides losing my child the other hard part is seeing week after week people post that they are pregnant. While it is exciting that they are having a healthy baby, it is hard for me to be excited when I should be pregnant too. I wish I was joking but seriously every week someone I know is posting that they are pregnant, and I get one step closer to completely deleted all my social media sites. It seriously hurts me that bad. It is also hard seeing people with big families, because that is what Chris and I want so badly and it seems so far away.

Another thing that has hurt has been certain comments. I knew ahead of time that people try to say the right things but they end up being hurtful. The only comments I have had that have really hurt have been the comments about people losing one of their twin babies. I realize that yes they too have lost a baby, BUT losing a twin was my only hope to have a healthy pregnancy. When I was at the ER I was told that the only reason my numbers would drop and I would have a healthy baby would be if I was pregnant with twins and I was losing one. So all weekend long I prayed that I was pregnant with twins and just losing one. Unfortunately, I was pregnant with only one baby and lost that one baby. My body had to go through the whole miscarriage process and in the end I don’t get a baby in my arms. I have to start all over with trying to get pregnant to have more children, whereas, those who lost the twin were able to carry on with the same pregnancy but instead had one baby instead of two. I realize that they did lose a child and how it must have been hard, but please don’t compare your miscarriage to mine because they are not the same.

We all respond differently to grief so even those who have miscarried may not know exactly how I feel. I stayed in the anger stage of grief for a very long time. It wasn’t that I was angry at anyone or anything, I was just simply angry. I thought it would be therapeutic to break a whole bunch of dishes, but then I would have to clean it all up so I decided to not do that.

One other thing that has hurt since losing Peyton has been the comments and questions regarding whether or not I am pregnant again. I have a feeling people ask me this because they are hoping it happens, but the question hurts. I wish I was pregnant again, but that is not the case. I am hopeful that someday it will happen, but for now I just take each day as it comes. Some days are good, others are bad. So please stop asking and making comments about me being pregnant again because it truly hurts.

I know God has an amazing plan for my family and that someday we will have more kiddos, but for now we are enjoying our two wonderful kids.

Dear Baby Thors #3

Dear Baby Thors #3,

                My sweet baby. How I wish that I did not have to write this letter to you. You see, I only found out about you three weeks ago. At first I was shocked, but then my excitement grew knowing that our little family was getting bigger. I started to think about whether you would be a girl or boy, if you would look like me or your daddy, and if you would be as energetic as your siblings. I also started to think about what I would need to get for you. I knew I would not need much since you have two older siblings, but there were a few items I was looking forward to buying for you.

                Your dad and I told your big sister, Tricia, that mommy had a baby in her belly and she kept talking about having a baby sister. Of course, some days she said she wanted another brother so we really weren’t sure whether or not she was team blue or team pink.

                I prayed for you every single day and prayed for a healthy pregnancy and baby. I knew this pregnancy felt different, but I was trying my best to ignore those feelings and to think positive. But unfortunately, things did not work out the way we wanted. It all started on March 13, 2014, which happens to be your Papa’s birthday.

                Mommy went to the ER that day and again the next day. We did not get clear answers on those days, but were told to prepare for the worst. The only clear thing was my pregnancy hormones were dropping, which is a sign of miscarriage. I was secretly hoping that the tests were wrong and that you would be fine. Even though I was praying and hoping you would be okay, I was an absolute wreck.

                It broke my heart to think that I would not be able to ever hold you, to see you, and to watch you grow up. It made me mad to see other people announce their pregnancy’s when I knew that I may not be able to announce about you. You have two older siblings who were excited to have another addition, at least Tricia was, Justus does not talk much. It makes me sad that you won’t be able to run and play with them.

                On March 17^th we went to the doctor and it was confirmed that you had either already passed or were in the process of passing. These were words that I was hoping that I would never have to hear. I knew that it was nothing I did that caused this to happen, but I sure wished that there was something I could have done to stop it from happening.

                I realize that you are in Heaven and you feel no pain. I am thankful that you get to enjoy such a wonderful and beautiful place and do not have to experience any pain. You see, this world where mommy, daddy, and your siblings live is full of pain and suffering. I worry about all the things your siblings will go through, but it is nice knowing you get to bypass all this suffering and get to enjoy worshiping our Lord. While I wish I could hold you in my arms so bad, I know that God is holding you in His.

                I wanted to let you know that there are many people in Heaven who know you and love you. You have four great grandpas and two great grandmas. I am sure between all of them you will get plenty of snuggles. You also have an aunt or an uncle up there as well. Your Grandma Cathy and Bompa lost their first baby, and like us, they do not know whether that baby is a boy or girl. You also have a cousin up there so make sure you find him/ her.

                I hope you know how much we love you and miss you. I look forward to holding you in my arms someday, but for now your brother and sister need me here on Earth. There is not a moment that goes by that I do not think about you, and I hope you know that your brother and sister will grow up knowing about you.

                This has been the hardest thing I have ever had to go through, and I pray that this never happens to our family again. Writing you this letter is part of my healing process, and each day is a rollercoaster for me. Another part of this healing process was talking to daddy and coming up with a name for you. I know it may seem weird to some people to name you, but it is something that helps us. Plus, I don’t want my baby in Heaven to not have a name. We couldn’t go with any of the names we had picked out since none of them were gender neutral. After searching for gender neutral names we finally decided on a name for you and I hope you like your name.

                We love you sweet baby Peyton! XOXO

Mommy, Daddy, Tricia, and Justus